Now

So, I've been reading Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust and very much experiencing growing pains while I do. He writes such using simple concepts my mind can easily wrap itself around, yet my actions and my heart are not too good at following his oh so amazing logic. I am currently attempting more avidly than I may ever have before to be present in the moment I am in, and not look ahead at what is to come or back at what was. This is especially difficult coming off a year that was more amazing than any before it. How can I trust that things will get even better? I simply must. And part of that is living today, not yesterday. So, here is one of my favorite quotes from the book...

"There is only now. Thus Jesus counsels, 'Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink or what you will wear.' Instead, Jesus says, 'Look at the birds'. After instructing us not to have a hissy fit about what may or may not happen tomorrow, he adds a bit of dark humor: 'Today's trouble is enough for today.'

"One of the fringe benefits of being Now/here is freedom from concern about our spiritual condition. Being in the now removes us from endless and fruitless self-analysis. Moreover, in the absence of self-observation, guilt and shame mysteriously disappear. Removed from the sphere of our feelings, thoughts, and analyses, we are free to hear the music of what is happening. Lost in Now/here, we are found in the infinity of the eternal Now."

I love this thought, and have discovered how important it is. He goes on to say that this does not preclude ever planning or reflecting on life, which is responsible behavior, but never at the expense of escaping from Now/here. Whenever I catch myself gripped with fear of what the future may or may not hold, or with regret of what I wish had happened in the past, I have begun to focus on whatever is in front of me. Maybe it is the beautiful fall leaves, maybe it is a delicious bite of food I'm blessed to have, maybe it is a very dear friend who will cry my tears with me, maybe it is the symphony of rain and wind playing through the trees on Seattle's streets, and maybe it is simply my Father trying to tell me again and again that no matter what I might be going through, I am loved. I AM loved. Now.

Oregon Coast Weekend

So, I spent the weekend at the Oregon coast with 17 high school kids and a few great friends on retreat! We tootled around Seaside, played with the sand, sang and played guitar under the stars with the moonlit waves before us, and spent lots of small group time talking through the hurt and pain each of us carries hidden beneath the surface. It was a great weekend, some great ministry happened, and by the end I was wondering why our theme had to be "Life hurts, God heals" and not something lighter, because the burdens these teenagers face are much heavier than anything I've ever personally experienced. But, in all honesty, I was so glad God had me there this weekend.

Here are some fun pix. Seven or so of us did our best to disguise ourselves Sunday afternoon and hid around downtown Seaside while the rest of the group scavenged for us! It was pretty hilarious!



In other news, your friend Jenny now has a job! I'm employed, even if its only an internship and currently only a one month commitment on the company's part - I did say I wanted temporary, so there's no complaining, especially given the state of the economy today. Also, I'm starting to fill our seminary applications. Whoa. That's intense. My dear friend Chris Lyons was a great mentor to me yesterday, though, and really gave me some good things to think about regarding seminaries and denominations. I am so thankful to have such dear people in my life helping me find the right direction, when I feel there are so many possible directions to take.

Moving slowly

So, life is moving along rather slowly as I still don't have a job, and spend most of my days in an easy but not-too-difficult routine of waking up and reading the news online in front of a bowl of Special K, and then usually play (and win) a few rounds of Word Twist before bringing up the Colbert Report from the previous night to watch online while cleaning up the kitchen.

I often go for a walk, find a coffee shop, or make a cup of Americano and then read the Bible, some books on pastoring and seminary, or continue my knitting until Sus gets home and we go for a run around our neighborhood. The evenings are more fun and we either meet up with people, have people over, or spend them cooking and talking and drinking wine. While I am more than ready to be employed and not have to fill my days so lazily, this time of rest has been incredibly blessed. God is teaching me and moving me to dream big about the future, not to hold back by what seems like a safe or secure idea, but to trust Him no matter what and think about what He might desire for me.

Don't worry, a job IS in the works, I've been also researching seminaries, catching up with old friends, and doing various other important things with my time, but learning how to rest, not to find worth in doing but in simply loving, being loved and living, how to trust... that is a valuable and priceless lesson I have the great opportunity to learn during these weeks. I'm reading Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust right now, and his first chapter on how to trust says we need to live gratefully. Being thankful for anything and everything we have, knowing there is a loving God watching over us, who has numbered the hairs on our head and who knows what we need before we ask - this is part of trusting Him to provide good things, even if they don't seem good at the time.

So I am intent on being grateful, even when the unemployed single life seems burdensome, because I know God is good and I trust Him even today.

Its Fall!

I love this time of year. The wind is up today and the leaves are beginning to turn, its chilly and I'm wearing a coat that is probably a little overly warm for the weather just because I'm excited to need one at all. After spending much of the last year in summery weather, I am so excited to get to spend the fall in Seattle. This is bad, but I'm already looking forward to holiday drinks at Starbucks and wearing scarfs.



In honor of the change in weather, I even picked up a new habit: knitting! Ok, I'm SUPER slow, and concentrating so hard on such small things as needles kind of makes me nauseous, so don't be too impressed yet. I think I've knitted about 9 rows of a scarf that is all fall colors, though, and feeling pretty smug about my new "skill".



These are a few pics of the beauty of the season (from Camp Timberlee in Michigan when we were there last fall). Make sure you breathe it in and enjoy!

Middle

The following are some slightly modified lyrics (to flow a little better for the reader) to a song by Casting Crowns called "Somewhere in the Middle". As many sleepless nights have found me asking the big questions about life and fighting between what is easy and what is right, this song sort of pegs me exactly. I'm not who I used to be or who i want to be and should there even be a middle ground? Anyway, I wanted to post the lyrics here. They are pretty thoughtful, and full of the dichotomies I seem to be currently struggling against.

Somewhere between the hot and the cold, between the new and the old, between who I am and who I used to be...

Somewhere between the wrong and the right, between the darkness and the light, between who I was and who You're making me, somewhere in the middle you'll find me.

Just how close can I get, Lord, to surrendering, without losing all control?

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense, deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences between the God we want and the God who is: will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle?

Somewhere between my heart and my hands, between my faith and my plans, between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves...

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar, between the altar and the door, between contented peace and always wanting more, somewhere in the middle You'll find me.

Just how close can I get, Lord, to surrendering, without losing all control?

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side, loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle.

A long hiatus...

I have no idea who still will even read this, after such a long break from posting, but as I think and pray about the next steps in my life, I decided blogging might be a fun way to keep people updated and simultaneously think "aloud" and process.

So, a little catch up. A month ago (tomorrow) I officially ended all commitments with Youth Encounter, after a year of traveling. After we left the Philippines, we went onto Taiwan and spent three very involved weeks working with schools and churches in and around the city of Chiayi. I will include some of the most meaningful pix at the end of this post so that you can see a little taste of where we were. After our 3 weeks in Taiwan, we were on a plane back to the States. The time went so fast, yet I was somewhat surprisingly ready to be home and excited to see family. Saying goodbye to the Philippines was harder than saying goodbye to Southeast Asia in general.

Our summer was spent working at a camp called "Lake Wapogasset Lutheran Bible Camp, Inc." in Amery, Wisconsin (a small farming community). It was stretching and difficult and amazing all at the same time to be at camp. I missed my New Dawn teammates and the closeness we'd shared over the previous 8 months as we were thrust into a much larger community. On the other hand, I embraced the new friends and immensely enjoyed my role as a "team leader" of college-aged counselors at the camp. Investing in people was my main focus, and I found my niche. I loved it, as hard as the transition was being back in the States and trying to re-adjust to life here.

We had a brief final visit to Hong Kong in the middle of July to put on an English Bible Camp for 70 youth in partnership with the Evangelical Lutheran Church of Hong Kong (ELCHK). It was a wonderful experience to travel back to Asia and meet up with friends, as well as to be have concentrated time with New Dawn for those precious days. What a cool opportunity to be a counselor in a cabin with high-school aged youth from Hong Kong - I learned so much from them about their culture, and what its like to grow up in a predominantly non-Christian environment. I appreciated their perspective, and wished we could have stayed longer.

So, that pretty much brings me to the end of the summer. My family came out for the homecoming concert, and I bawled as my team and I sang together for the last time, realizing that making music together was one of the most precious and unique opportunities we'd had, that I so often took for granted. I will never forget the joy of getting to sing and play with Luke, Carly, Dave and Joshua.

Now, I'm back on the West Coast, and trying to tread carefully, intentionally. I don't want to do anything because its easy or safe anymore. I want to live with integrity as the person I have become through all my experiences, especially those the last year brought to me. While accounting is something I can easily and successfully do, I have little assurance that that is the vocation God is calling me to in order to best love His world with my gifts. This blog, from here on out, will be even more appropriately about my "new dawn" as I start from ground zero once again, trying to discern where I am called, and what I want my life to be about.

Here are some pix from my remaining time overseas. They are some of my favorites, and only a very, very small sampling of the thousands I have filed away to remind me of this fascinating dream year.


Me trying to be cool with some friends in Batangas.

Mt. Pulag congregation group photo!

Living statues in Taiwan outside a Masul temple we visited.

My cabin in Hong Kong this summer - what amazing girls!

Chatting with the Chiayi girls

Spending a day holding babies in a Manila orphanage. Close to heaven.

One of our young Filipino friends trying his hand at the djembe.

Two darling girls in San Roque, Mindanao

Singing our hearts out in a Chiayi classroom.

We hiked to the top of the Philippines' 2nd tallest mountain: Mt. Pulag. That's a new dawn behind us, which we awoke at 2:30 in the morning to catch. Incredible.

The North Country

Well, after leaving Mindanao and spending some time in Metro-Manila, we have made the long trek through the north to the tip of the north-most island of Luzon (still in the Philippines). Its been pretty incredible to have the opportunity to see so much of this country.

While there is still much the same here in this part of the country, we've definitely noticed some key differences: the people here seem even more intent upon feeding us vast amounts of food! We eat 6, 7 sometimes 8 times a day, and it almost always includes some form of rice (which does grow everywhere here - there are rice patties all over the place and they are SO green and beautiful!) While we sometimes end up eating when we are already full, the hospitality and generosity that is evident in these crazy amounts of food more than makes up for our discomfort. I continue to be amazed by the way people who don't know us wish to make us feel at home, and give up their beds, their food, their time and energy, etc. to us strangers. Do you know that when our hosts serve us, they almost never actually eat with us? They set the table just for our team and then eat our leftovers when we have finished. This has definitely taken some getting used to, as we would rather spend the meal with our hosts, but its their way of serving us, and denying them that would be insulting in most circumstances.

Another thing about the north: its cold here! We are dressed in fleeces and jackets to brace the 75 degree days (apparently our bodies were more used to 90 degrees and humid than we thought!) There is still a bountiful amount of fruit and vegetables, and yesterday we got to eat "buko" (coconut) from the tree for the 2nd or 3rd time, drinking the juice and then scraping the meat from the coconuts. They seem to taste even better here than in the south, so sweet and filling.

Finally, we have noticed that here in the North, our schedule has been much busier. We have been waking up most days between 5 and 6 am, (sometimes earlier), and we seem to average 1-3 programs each day. There are lots of small churches to visit, and the people speak different languages here than they did in the south (Ilokano mainly). We've translated our closing song "Unify Us" into six different dialects now, and it is incredibly fun to sing with the people. Its been fun to try to figure out how to fit the many many syllables into the tune of the song (Unify Us, for example, translates into "Pag-ma-y-ma-y-sa-em" in Ilokano, crazy!)

So, life on team is still wonderful. I miss my family and friends, and definitely miss the familiarity of the place called home, but I also find I'm increasingly feeling at home in this country. It helps a lot to feel like my team is a second family, and I no longer cringe at the thought of using the "CR" (comfort room/bathrooM) here as my leg muscles are much stronger. We only have about six weeks or less left here in the Philippines, and I find that I am already dreading having to leave.

We have finally arrived...

It is hard to believe we are finally in the Philippines! Currently, I am writing from Davao, a city near the southern end of the island of Mindanao (about 7 degrees above the equator - VERY WARM weather!) We have experienced nothing but the most gracious hospitality since we arrived here in the Philippine islands, and I find myself adjusting to life here rather easily after 10 days in this country. We say "Salamat" more than any other Tagalog word (meaning Thank you), and the people here are definitely my favorite part of our overseas tour so far.

Yesterday, we got back from a 3 day trip south to Banga and Malungon, the second destination being a small village in the mountains, where we road a bus and then piled 4 or 5 of us onto a motorcycle (along with our bags, guitars, drum, etc) and rode another 25 minutes up into the hills over the roads made out of dirt & rock. The trip was an adventure, but definitely a worthwhile one. Our program that night drew close to 200 people from the village (most of which were kids!) even at last minute notice, and the next day, one pastor walked 30 miles to hear us give a program for the church. Pretty incredible!

So far, just being here, so far from home (back in Portland, you are all 16 hours behind me!), continues to amaze me. I am learning lots about this culture, family values, and what it means to sacrifice and serve others. The language barrier can be hard (be praying that it will not be an obstacle), and the heat can become exhausting, but every day I wake up thankful to be here, and hoping that the time does not run too quickly.

Hong Kong!

Whoa - I cannot believe it, but I am writing this from Hong Kong. I've been here just over 48 hours now, and I have learned and experienced SO much! This city is incredible, and in the last 7 meals I've eaten more "unusual" foods than I've eaten in my entire lifetime (from Pig's skin, Octopus, Chinese mushrooms that look like Octopus, chicken feet, Pig's tongue, fried whole baby fish - eyes and all, and several other things I can't remember.)

We've also taken in the last 48 hours a great many modes of transportation to traverse this very large city: double decker buses, light-rails, subways, trains, taxis, ferries, more double decker buses, and of course lots of walking. I think the only one we have not used is the ever popular bicycle. I have learned that here, all dining tables are round, and family style food is the only way to eat. The culture here could teach us much about sharing and serving others before ourselves - tea (of course) is very prevalent at each meal, and one always pours tea for their neighbors before themselves, even if their glass is only 1/2 empty. All food is shared, and no one orders for themselves alone.

I have loved these differences, and even though the food is quite different (noodles & soup for breakfast!?), I find I enjoy the variety of flavors and the rich traditions that accompany each meal. It is very overwhelming (and yet strangely calming at times) to be surrounded by a language for which I have no understanding, and for which I cannot even begin to pronounce the characters. We will soon be moving on to another culture and different customs as we travel to the Philippines on Monday, but our time here has been so full. We have been surrounded by wonderful people willing to teach us about the language and culture and city, and our instant bond in Christ has been a pretty incredible bridge across the barriers of our many differences.

To bed with me - the 16 hour time difference is still catching up with me!

We live in a Beautiful Country...

In 3 months, my team and I traveled through 19 states during one of the most beautiful times of the year. We saw pretty amazing places, from the hills of Pennsylvania to the warm, green streets of Savannah, from the bustling Central Park to the rural Smoky Mountains of Kentucky, it was quite an adventure to get to see so many places, and the scenery was truly stunning. I wanted to share some of the more beautiful pictures we took just to give you a flavor of our journey and the beauty that lies all over this country.







God's creation never ceases to amaze me. I will say that returning home to the Northwest after being all over the East Coast & Midwest made me remember how much I love my little part of the country. Yesterday, Melissa and Andrew and I went up to Mt. Hood to ski, and it was a crystal clear day - you could see the Three Sisters and Mt. Jefferson from the top of the mountain - in fact, it seemed as if you could see the entire state. While I found beauty in nearly every place we traveled this fall, and I no doubt will continue to do so as we head further west this winter, I have yet to find a place I find more beautiful than home.